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Wednesday, 18 February 2009

  • A Lesson to be Learned

    As I mentioned in my last post, I spent the majority of the year of 2008 wondering if I would ever meet...we'll call him Paul, being visited by another person I met online whom I should not have let come, who doesn't even get a fake name and all the while trying to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life.  Well, around March of 2008, I told Paul that I was done and just couldn't handle not knowing if he and I would ever meet, and cut off communication with him, and then succeeded to have the visitor that June (foolish of me, I know, I learned from that big time). 

    Well, during my first semester at college, I realized that I still had feelings for Paul and wanted so desperately to completely apologize to him for cutting him off so suddenly like I did.  I e-mailed him several times, and eventually got a response.  He was obviously still upset, but I explained all of my actions as best as I could, hoping to mend what I broken.  However, God had other plans.  As I also mentioned in the previous weblog, I no longer talk to Paul, but am now dating a guy I've known since I was 5 years old (his dad and mine are good friends so we would randomly hang out over the years). 

    The mistake I made? I told Paul that I didn't really like the guy I'm currently dating, and at the time I said that, it was true as I had not seen him for several years.  But then, Jared (my current boyfriend) came to Kansas City and he and I hung out and....everything changed, literally everything. 

    Unfortunately, Paul discovered my newfound 'in a relationship' status through my previous weblog here on Xanga.  I deeply regret not talking to Paul about this as well.  I would have explained that when I saw Jared in person, I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay there and talk to him all night long.  The day I learned my boyfriend wanted to ask me out (after we had been at the Kansas City Plaza and Crown Center, with his younger brother and my best friend of almost 15 years), I came home to see that Paul had e-mailed me.  In this e-mail he informed me that I am a lier, a cheater, a user, and an abuser.  All of those are true with him, that I cannot deny.  But as I said, God had different plans.  Had Paul and I been meant to be, it would have worked out and I would not have been left in the dark as to when I would actually see this man in person!  For all I knew, I probably wouldn't even be attracted to him physically, which, like it or not, that is a bit of requirement if you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone.

    So, my lesson learned?  I learned that it pays to be honest, even when the truth hurts, either yourself or the person you are speaking with.

    Besides, we would do well to not forget that God is on our side and through Him, we can do anything.  His power and limitless, and He is the source of our power, which means that our power is also limitless.

Thursday, 01 January 2009

  • All About 08...Expectations for 09

    Well let's see, one year ago today I was contemplating what college I would attend, wondering if I would ever actually meet the guy I had been friends with for the last three years in person, having another guy tell me he wanted to come and visit come summertime and wondering which of my friends were truly my friends....

    In comparison, today I have finished my first semester of college with a 4.0 GPA, no longer speak to either of the two guys mentioned above but am now in a relationship as of about 1 a.m. this morning with a guy I've known since I was about 5 years old.  Ironic how that happens, isn't it?

    A little bit more about 08 would be that, I graduated from high school as second of my class, made friends and lost friends (for a variety of reasons, hmmm, might go into that) and even rode a few roller coasters!

    As for making and losing friends....well, the gal I'm now good friends with was also friends with another friend of mine.  But this particular friend decided to start dating my good friends' x literally a week after they broke up.  Of course, my now good friend and I had several classes together, were constantly talking and, when her dad passed away of a sudden heart attack this summer, I was right by her side for an entire week.  I nearly forfeited my job to be by her side in her time of need, and I don't regret a moment of that week.

    *sighs*  A lot happened in 2008, some good, some not so good.  I've learned a lot about myself through everything that has happened.  Most importantly though, I've learned that everything truly does happen for a reason.  Had I not given up on meeting my online guy friend of three years and then having a different guy come and visit has made me realize how important it is to have the person you like so much closer.  It feels awkward to have been asked out in person, but at the same, that's so much better than sitting in front of a computer screen and wondering if this person you kinda like will ever really be a part of your life.  True, my boyfriend doesn't actually live in the same state as me, but he has family here (his dad lives here in Missouri and his mom lives in Tennessee) so I actually get to see him!  We may not get to see each other much, if at all, during the school semester's, but I'm going to be so insanely busy to begin with that, I hope that will all work out just fine.

    All that being said, what are my expectations for 2009?  Well for starters, I need to learn to trust in God more and believe that He knows what is best for me and my future.  I know He has plans for me, so I have to trust Him and follow His lead.  After that, I plan to continue with a regular exercise routine as it has greatly improved how I feel overall (and significantly improved the issues I've had with my ankles).  Also, I need to be more careful about actually eating what I know I can and cannot eat.  I am lactose intolerant but have been pushing it by still eating cheese and yogurt.  I think the yogurt will continue to be fine, but I need to be careful with the cheese part!  Oh, and my weakness of Mountain Dew....I think that's always going to be there though *shrugs* I just need to make sure i keep with that exercise routine and then try not to have too much pop! :)  And lastly is, of course, to keep my scholarship and do well with everything in my school.

Thursday, 06 November 2008

  • Ecclsiastes 4:12

    Ecclesiastes 4:12 "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." 
     
    First off, I want to know what you think about this verse.  What does it symbolize to you?  How does it tell you to live?  Does it speak to your individual life or the way you are with friends and even dating relationships?

    For me, this verse had a huge impact on everything that has happened over the last 8 and a half months.  I believe one of my last weblogs talks about how I shunned one man I like to go out with another, only to realize how much I still love the first man.  He is always honest, very sincere, knows exactly how to make me laugh and understands me probably better than I do myself.  Well, in one of the recent e-mails I sent to him, I quoted this verse.  Although, I did not explain to him why I quoted the verse because at the time the e-mail was already well over three pages long and I did not really understand yet myself why that verse got to me so much.  So, I'll give you all the details of my thoughts and how I broke down this verse.

    Part One

    "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated."

    Have you ever been walking anywhere, alone, late at night, and at that feeling that someone would attack you at any moment?  Have you ever felt vulnerable in any way simply because you didn't have anyone to back you up, or on your side.  I believe that is what this part of the verse speaks to, the people who stand on their own.  For some, this does work, but deep down, are they truly content?  I thought I could be content on my own, that I did not need God or friends surrounding me and giving me support.  Because of this thought, I allowed my actions to hurt those I cared for the most, to hurt those I was closest too.  I stood on my own and then Satan attacked me, and he defeated me because I gave in.  Before this thought loomed into my mind, I was one of those people that was completely and totally against even attending any party where there was alcohol and/or underage drinking.  I am completely against premarital sex, and very much so against abortion (granted there are some circumstances that I can understand, but even then I still feel that it is wrong to kill any unborn child, no matter how the baby was conceived).  Living by the thought that I needed no one, I became even more nonchalant than I was before about how people acted towards me, and around me, and even said I would be a designated driver for some (although that never actually happened).  That being said leads me to the next part of the verse....

    Part Two

    "But two can stand back-to-back and conquer"

    My first thought when reading this part of the verse is that you always need God by your side and He will help you conquer everything that comes your way.  While this is very very true, this part of the verse also speaks directly to relationships and maybe even friendships.  Like I mentioned in the first part, when you are alone, you feel vulnerable, like something horrible could happen at any second.  This part of the verse tells us to surround us with people that can help comfort and support us, to keep us accountable for our actions.  My problem these last several months is that I had no one to keep me accountable, to keep from straying from the path set before me by God.  Now I see that every friendship is a chance to stand back-to-back and conquer, to stomp out the devil's evil wishes and keep him far from us.  More than anything though, this part of the verse hit home because of the relationship I broke and am now doing my best to mend as much as possible.  I felt as though God was speaking directly to my heart telling me that I was doing the right thing by continuing to speak to this man I still care for because, with him, I can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Together, he and I are so much mroe than we are apart.  It took me nearly 9 months to figure it out, but I finally realized that this man is the missing piece to the puzzle that is my life.  I already have my Savior, our Lord in Heaven above, and for that I am eternally grateful.  Unfortunately, I had lost one of my closest friends here on this earth.  Fortunately though, he and I are taking things step by step and willing to follow the path God has before us.  Neither he nor I know if our paths are together or apart, either way we are trusting that God is leading us in the direction.

    Part Three

    "Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

    As I said at the end of the last part, we are bothing praying that God will lead us in the correct direction.  I believe that trusting in God is the key component to making a reltaionship work.  When it really boils down, it may be possible that any relationship could work if the foundation is built upon the Lord.  This was the part that I believe both he and I began to forgot.  When we first met, we talked about our faith quite often, and even began a joint site much similar to this one (it was actually the exact same name, just without the underscore).  Then, I'm not sure what happened, maybe it was my fault, maybe it was simply a lack of time, but talk of faith became less common.  Nevertheless, after reading this verse and really thinking about, I finally realize that our God truly is the key to the universe.  Without Him we would be nothing. 

    It amazes me that so many people in this world live from day to day without thanking God for every breath they take.  Every breath is a gift from God, every little raindrop, every tiny atom that works according to the way God made it. 

    So when you reach that point in your life where you meet someone whom you feel you can spend the rest of your life with, remember one thing: God.  Do not stray from God, do not replace Him with some boyfriend.  There are too many friends of mine (mostly girls) who try to fill the void they fill with boyfriends, and not with God.  Our God provides us with everything we need, everything He gives us is a gift that we should be thankful for every moment of every day.

    I am grateful to know that I have a God who knows, understands and cares for me, that hears my prayers.  For so long now I wondered if He was really there, or if He was simply a figment of our imagination.  Now I know, I know that my redeemer lives, that my Savior lives, and I know that I will be welcomed with open arms into heaven's gates once I pass from the world (which I pray will not be for many years).

Sunday, 26 October 2008

  • 1 Corinthians 3

    Last night, I got my Bible out to read and, I started reading in the book I had been reading in, 2 Chronicles, but it just didn't feel like the right place to read. So I thought about how I had heard a lot about Paul in recent months and I wanted to read a bit in 1 Corinthians.  At first I read chapter 13, already knowing that it was about love being the greatest of faith, hope and love.  Well, I did of course still get a message out of that chapter, but the more important message I found was in chapter 3.  My Bible has headings throughout it to help you understand what is going on, and at the beginning of chapter 3 it says, "Do not follow others."  This got to me because it's actually something I've been struggling with.  I do strive to be my own person and make my own choices but at the same time, I am always, ALWAYS, asking for someone else's advice.  I'm almost always asking them to tell me what to do. 

    Here, let me explain a bit more about what has happened in the past year or so.  The whole story actually starts four years ago, but I'll give you the short version by saying that I met someone the summer before my Freshman year in high school that quickly became one of my closest friends.  For the purpose of this story, we'll call him Jack.  Well, as of January of this year, Jack was 22 years old, still living at home, attending his third year at a community college, and yet to have a job.  Not to mention, he had yet to tell his parents that he talked to me online quite a bit,  usually just on weekends and by e-mail throughout the week.  All of those factors started really bugging me because, I was a high school senior heading straight to a state university, graduated as salutatorian and had had a job for over two years.  And, my parents knew all about Jack.  Another important part of this puzzle is that I also spent a lot of my spare time posting on a message board site for a book series I've read (that is huge and so I don't actually remember all of it!).  This past January, a newcomer and I started chatting more than I would've liked.  I wasn't sure what to think of the guy, but I could tell he really really liked me, especially since he kept saying that he wanted to come and visit.  I was cautious, thinking it sounded too good to be true.  Nonetheless, I continued talking to both Jack and....we'll call the other guy Sean.  I kept complaining to Sean about everything that bothered me about Jack.  Knowing all this, Sean told me what I wanted to hear by saying he would do basically the exact opposite of what Jack had done.  Then, towards the end of February, I told Jack that I was done, that I couldn't take it anymore, that I was tired of waiting after I had promised to wait for as long as necessary.  Jack and I shared a bond that is indescribable.  We may have never met, but we knew each other extremely well...so well we could tell each others moods through words across a screen, we didn't even have to hear voice inflections or see facial expressions to know if something was wrong.  But I let myself become vulnerable by worrying about things that, in the grand scheme of things, would more than likely turn out all right in the end.  I allowed Sean to get inside of my head and make decisions for me rather than make my own, and that cost me one of the closest friends I have ever had.

    In 1 Corinthians 3, Paul is telling the people to only follow God, to let him take the lead.  I prayed daily that God would help me allow Him to take control, and even then, I still faltered in following the path He set before me.

    Last Friday, Jack sent me an e-mail in reply to one I sent him (I sent him an apology e-mail after Sean came and visited and I realized just how completely stupid and idiotic I had been.  I thought that by doing that I would be able to move on and continue, but I'm learning that I cannot just stand by and let Jack simply disappear).  In this e-mail he told me to take a deep breath to calm my mind, to take as many as it takes to calm my mind, and then just pray.  Pray that God will give me guidance, that he will lead toward the path that I must take.  I did, and here is what I learned.  I learned that I must trust that God knows best, fear God for His awesome power, and live for my savior, Jesus Christ.

    In relation to the situation I am currently going through, I learned that it is the narrow path I must take, the one of complete and brutal honesty.  As I told Jack in the e-mail I sent to him Saturday,  I used Sean to avoid him.  I was afraid that Jack was being dishonest with me because he had not been honest with his parents, so I avoided the source of the problem by ridding myself of it in the worst possible way, by pushing away a wonderful friend.

    The main lesson I have learned from all of this, including the chapter I read last night, is that we as humans cannot leave our choices and decisions up to just anyone we come across, or even our closest friends.  Yes, we can ask for advice, but the one whose advice you should be most willing to take is the advice that comes from above, from our Father in heaven.  It is He who makes this world continue its perpetual movement, so we should fear Him and obey His commands, or else we will suffer in His wrath.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

  • A thought for the day

    "Never underestimate the power of prayer and love.  When someone says they love you, do not turn away but let these words warm your heart and bring you joy.  The same goes for prayer; do not take such a spoken phrase lightly."  Just something I wrote way back in January of 2007.

    Of course, with everything that has happened in the past year, I must ask why I did not listen to what I had already said, to the countless things I had wrote down about waiting for the one person God has planned for you to spend the rest of your life with.  I know it's a hard task and there are so many questions that arise, especially in a long distance relationship.  Right now, I just pray that God gives me the courage to do what He has put on my heart to do.

    On another note, last night at the BSU (Baptist Student Union) here on campus, we talked about hypocrisy and how, we really are all hypocrites and we have no excuses for being one.  The thing is we need to concentrate on changing ourselves before we can try and change those around us, and considering changing ourselves is a never ending process...well, I believe we should learn to always be honest with those around us.  When a stranger comes up and asks if you are Christian, what would you say?  Which you ignore them, or would you take the chance to share with them how God has changed your life?

meadow_clock

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  • I'm a college student who wants to learn more about God and herself through the study, contemplation, meditation and memorization of His word. This site is may way to get my thoughts out, but any comments and/or questions are more than welcome! :)

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